Cowell Hyde

When it comes to showbiz writers Marina Hyde is probably the best. While most celeb goss' simply rehashes rumours she lets celebs/slebs hang themsleves with their own hypocrisy or sense of self importance.

This week's Lost In Showbiz about Simon Cowell is one of her best- picking choice quotes from a recent letter he wrote to his younger self (for the Daily Mail).

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Be patient Simon advises his younger self, even though he has heard someone at the record company summarise his output thusly: "Whatever is shit in this company, that is what Simon Cowell does."

It seems so unthinkable now, doesn't it, but I assure you there was a time when Simon made crap records with puppet artists. Actual puppets, like Zig and Zag. However, all is about to change. "In an industry where everyone sells their records primarily through radio," Simon writes to 90s Simon, "you are just beginning to work out that if you sell them through TV instead, there could be an incredible business. A very profitable business."

It was then that he invented MTV. Hang on, that happened a decade earlier. It seems Simon signed two people from the ITV drama series Soldier Soldier, causing "virtually the whole company" to turn against him.

"Luckily you trusted your own instinct," Simon purrs to his younger self. "Robson & Jerome's version of Unchained Melody will give you your first No 1 and become one of the bestselling singles of all time. It changes everything for you. But this is all some way off yet. At the moment, Simon, I am afraid, you must continue to suffer."

In answer to your question, yes. Yes, there is much more of this, as Simon distils the lessons of the 80s boom-and-bust into his own personal Andy Hardy movie. "OK," concedes Simon eventually, "it is true that no one is ever going to publish a book called Simon Cowell, My Struggle."

I might, just for the laugh of seeing the German edition.